The Living Diary of a Submissive

Well we were speaking on the phone and I could not boot up what was wrong the computer could not find the hard drive… It was asking me if I wished to initialize my hard drive knowing this might well erase my drive I asked your advise you said natasha take it in to be repaired…. I said oh well a fresh start and without really thinking boom I erased my drive….

Now I am looking at a naked virginal computer saying what have I done and you say sighing god you are stubborn ….

We start to communicate via email and phone as I have no time to go on line I drop you this note

As I Try to rebuild this computer I so glibly erased …saying oh well…. as you spoke to me on the phone and said no wait natasha, take it in get the information off the disk first …Did I listen noooooooo…..laughing well it has been an adventure… But perhaps next time I will heed your advice ….well

Master as I am going through this huge file of mail you sent me and seeing the names of friends and dropping them a note I realize I Have not written to the one who my heart beats for the one I adore… The one whom I scream out in need for … or caress gently with my thoughts and words…. The one who’s pleasure I live to fulfill to serve I adore you master…soft smile …..

natasha your slave

——————-

you write back …. you wrote:

natasha said —> … first …Did I listen noooooooo…..laughing well it has been an adventure… But perhaps next time I will heed your advice ….well

Master answered —> Smiling.. luckily I have the patience to deal with a sweet slave with a cute and round but stubborn little bottom.

natasha said —> … seeing the names of friends and dropping them a note I realize I Have not written to the one who my heart beats for the one I adore… The one

Master answered —> God natasha.. not 60 minutes ago I was thinking the same thing.. we are so in sync. God I adore you baby —-

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

Dear Master

I am so far behind in my diary I always feel terrible when that happens almost as if it negates the value of this gift of giving you my very soul my thoughts our history in words…. It has been a trying week for us both. A week of growth and exploration, I am going to have a hard time telling what has happened over the past few days and perhaps that is why I am procrastinating should I tell … should I expose us even more …is this diary for the world at large or is it for us our history our growth…. The question answers itself… So I guess again I expose us our weaknesses also our joys … Our raw core … So Master I will tell the saga of my trip into deceit my shame …. I adore you and sit at your feet as I write this…..

Master I will send this in increments to you can you make this day January 15th since I have to back track from today 1/24.

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Psyche in Greek mythology,was the personification of the human soul.  She loved and was loved by EROS, she was forbidden to look at him. When she disobeyed he left her, but after a series of trials she became immortal and was reunited with him forever.

Their’s was considered to be the perfect love. Yet, even the gods have trials. I think its the trials we endure that give our joy and ecstasy meaning and depth. With all of our trials natasha, our love is perfect… and we resonate together.

I saw this print the other day as I  was strolling through Greenwich Village and it called to me. It so deeply makes me think of my darling natasha and me.

The sight of her purity and the rapture on her sweet face was more than I could resist.

I Hope you like it my dear. I love you with all my heart and all my soul.

Master

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Master we are so in sync usually that when we are not I do not know how to act.. I fall apart, want to run and not face the day the moment …. but you never let me… you pull me back in and you are so strong. You have no need to play games you just do what needs to be done to handle this wild slave …. you are truly a Master and so aware of my strengths but even more important you are aware of my fragilities…

These last couple of days have been intense. I had to deal with many issues, and you are dealing with your own pain that life at times brings and somehow, we did not seek refuge where we should, in each other. We both acted out….I was angry I could not be your light … you were angry and could not see my pain…. But Master as always when push cam to shove you came through… you pulled us back onto the path you reached deep inside to find a spot of light and brought it forth to shine on us.

All these silly cards said to me something special they said I will do what ever it takes to reach you my angel … With the side note of remember though, your ass is mine and once I have you back in the folds you will have to deal with the issues of disobedience ect.. laughing …

I respect you adore you and worship you but remember Master, a slave does also do a bit of training on her Master. I adore you … As as we walk ahead hand in hand, soul to soul, heart to heart, we will hold each other up in the light of love. My Dark Prince I adore you.

The Assault of the Master (this is just a sampling of what he sent… actually there were several more)

You have a Cyber-Card:
To: natasha
From: Madonna

Hello natasha,

Now that you are finished dancing to my music.. go to your Master.. I know what Im talking about.. he’s desparately seeking silliness, and wants to touch you as if for the very first time. He loves you so..

I wanted him.. even tried to seduce him.. but he turned me down flat. God that guy loves you.. you better go to him.. he’s got a raging hardon.. I even gave it a little squeeze..mmmmm yummy, but he said it belongs to you… lucky girl.
Swinnyways.. go to him girl..

Materially yours…
Madonna ——- :}

—————————————-

You have a Cyber-Card:
To: natasha
From: Your Master

Masters are from Mars.. slaves are from venus.. Thats why we act so freekin wacky sometimes..

I want to giggle with you my love.. I want you to lay your head on my belly while I giggle..

I love you so much..

Master

———————————————–

You have a Cyber-Card:
To: natasha
From: Your Master

I think I see my light on the other end of that tunnel… no wait.. maybe I just need some “training” from my lucious slave..

Oh god I love your sweet caboose.. mmm I want to be in there. Smiling

Master

—————————————————–

You have a Cyber-Card:
To: natasha
From: Your Master

mmm if I pull my pants pockets inside out would you kiss a siwwy wabbit between the ears?

I love you my little bunny -

Master

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

Master you always know you sense me so completely… you always push me a bit past my fear a bit past my comfort zone… How I adore you you lift me up hold my life before me and make my world a little better each moment I know you ….

Thoughts On Reaching The Unspoken Limit
Sinking Into The Abyss

Wishing I could break the silence
I have sunk so deeply
I slid into the abyss unable to form the words
You caress my body with your eyes
Start my heart again that has slowed almost to silence

Just when I think I can take no more
I long for you to hold me tight
You press close kiss my face and….
Whisper your devotion your need your thrill

As again you have taken what is yours … all of me
And given me back all you are
This time the cry comes to my lips
I cry for you in the night sobbing but never alon?e

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

I awoke this morning.. and like I often do found some lovely words from my sweet sweet slave in my e-mail. Today was special however, as you will see when you read on. This woman.. this submissive angel has gripped my heart so tightly. She has caused me to love her like I no other in my life, ever. She loves me ferociously, takes care of me… she is honest and loyal.. she lifts up my name, and makes me proud. And god she is passionate.. we love visiting those dark places together.. and feel so safe.. non judgemental, yet have almost no limits. What we have seems so right.. so perfect. I pray real life is fated for us.. it is what we both desire and are working toward. natasha thank you so much for all that you are.. and for filling me with your sweet love and devotion. And thank you for this most precious gift. I love this poem so.. It brought tears to my eyes when I read it…. thank you my forever slave. Master

Whispers of a slave

Through the eyes of your slave…

Through my eyes I see the
fluidity of our motion
We are as light as air
We are a symphony, a dance
A song that we never tire of hearing
In symphonic whispers of Master and slave

I lift my eyes to your face
I see passion burning brilliantly
Our consuming blaze alight
Melodious, harmonious
In our own perfect world

It’s my face I see In your eyes
I kneel exposed naked
Looking up at you in supplication
Silence rarely hears the screams
Of a slave’s whispers
As the kiss of the whip envelopes her flesh

You take me places I have never been
tranquil moments alone I surrender treasured, cherished,
Protected held close to your heart …
your devotion burned into my flesh
As your hands, your fire, move upon my skin

Whispering I love you… silent sobs
As you hold me … hold me boldly
Whispering to me smiling we shall always dance …
I will show you our completeness
Two halves of a whole, forever as one.

It’s my face I see In your eyes
I kneel exposed naked
Looking up at you in supplication
Silence rarely hears the screams
Of a slave’s whispers
As the kiss of the whip envelopes her flesh

We touch each others souls
In our symbiotic dance
Dancing with the dark Dancing in the light
Embraced in a dance, for the whole world to see.
And yet alone together
Two halves of a whole, forever as one.

I Adore You My Master

natasha

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

These are the emails where you call your slave back to your folds … so aware of my needs …so in tune… not forgetting you own me for a minute but making me face myself gently ….waiting for the perfect moment to exercise your dominion as you wish never forcing just because you own me … but compelling me to be a good slave … And yet I know the punishment awaits at some time …. when you see fit … if you see fit … I never make the mistake to think I skated or pulled a fast one I know better … God I love you

Subject: Questions
Date: Wed, 08 Jan. 1995 06:38:56 -0700
From: natasha natasha@***.com
To: Artful@***.com

You made me question what felt so easy so right calling you when I needed you no need to explain no need to say … Just understood that if we ever felt lost or needed one another or painted oneself into a corner that I felt I had we could call reach out and there would be no need to explain or perhaps I just wanted to be with you … You tainted what felt so right …

Subject:  Re: Questions
Date:  Wed, 08 Jan. 1995 21:52:55 -0500
From: Artful Artful@***.com
To: natasha@***.com

At 06:38 AM 1/8/95 -0700, you wrote:
or perhaps I just wanted to be with you …you tainted what felt so right about….

You shouldn’t let my few words taint your feelings.. just like I don’t let your tantrums.. or your bitchiness last week taint my feelings about you … Not only is it not logical … its not fair of you… you often talk about letting your Master be human and your capacity to forgive … to forever taint your sweet feelings because of a few words … which really weren’t mean or nasty anyway … is to negate what you profess. You are ‘my’ sweet brat natasha … but don’t be ‘a’ brat..

I adore you natasha.. even through your little tantrums.. smiles… you are my baby.. and you know it..

Master

Subject: You
Date: Wed, 08 Jan. 1995 21:55:41 -0500
From:  Artful Artful@***.com
To:   natasha@***.com

Now straighten up and call your Master.. you sweet silly girl you.. I adore you… and your naughty bottom.

Master

Subject: You
Date: Wed, 08 Jan. 1995 22:00:29 -0500
From: Artful Artful@***.com
To: natasha@***.com

I know you are sitting there wanting to call me.. your luscious pussy is twitching.. telling you to call your Master.. she is saying “don’t be so stubborn …call your Master”

I adore you baby - smiling.. I really do .. god I want your lovely bottom.

Master

Subject:  Re: Questions
Date: Wed, 08 Jan. 1995 07:09:41 -0700
From: natasha natasha@***.com
To: Artful Artful@***.com

yes I know it but now I feel backed in a corner and ashamed and my dumb PRIDE won’t let me relent.
natasha

Subject: Re: Questions
Date: Wed, 08 Jan. 1995 22:03:51 -0500
From: Artful Artful@***.com
To: natasha@***.com

At,2) 07:09 AM 1/8/95 -0700, you wrote:
yes I know it but now I feel backed in a corner and ashamed and my dumb pride won’t let me relent

Smiling.. my darling .. in a case like this you must listen to your throbbing pussy.. and come to your Master… Let your love and devotion to your Master transcend your pride.. give me your shame natasha… I own that too. You know that I do.

Master

Subject:  Patience
Date: Wed, 08 Jan. 1995 22:07:00 -0500
From: Artful Artful@***.com
To:  natasha@***.com

Come to me natasha.. my slave.. my sweet property.. surrender.. fall backwards into my dominion .. lay your self before me..

I will always love you.. and keep you.. You will always belong to me.

Master

Subject: Re: Patience
Date: Wed, 08 Jan. 1995 08:06:15 -0700
From:  natasha natasha@***.com
To:  Artful Artful@***.com

Oh Thank you
your forever slave … natasha

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

And so my Master just as I awoke filled with you …I had to rise and write this I adore you ….the touch of your hand … “The Touch Of A Master’s Hand.” has turned a woman into an adoring slave…. It has turned a heart that was filled with joy and passion into an inferno of passion that is bursting with joy… It has made all that I am a bit shinier a bit more glowing…it has taken me deeper…I am so filled with you I am exploding I adore you and I live to serve you what more can I say. Tell me Master has a slave ever become so filled with her Master that she explodes…as I close this I smile to think of your pleasure when you awake and see my love written down for you in your mail box … I adore you … I adore you … I adore you … your slave, your toy, your lover, your brat, your slave, your soul, natasha

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

THE TOUCH OF THE MASTER’S HAND

‘Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer
Thought it scarcely worth his while…
To waste much time on the old violin,
But held it up with a smile.
“What am I bidden, good folks,” he cried,
“Who’ll start the bidding for me”
“A dollar, a dollar,” then, two! Only two?
“Two dollars, and who’ll make it three?
“Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice;
Going for three…” But no,
From the room, far back, a gray-haired man
Came forward and picked up the bow;
Then wiping the dust from the old violin,
And tightening the loose strings,
He played a melody pure and sweet
As a caroling angel sings.

The music ceased, and the auctioneer,
With a voice that was quiet and low,
Said: “What am I bid for the old violin”
And he held it up with the bow.
“A thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two?
Two thousand! And who’ll make it three?
Three thousand, once; three thousand, twice
And going and gone,” said he.
The people cheered, but some of them cried,
“We do not quite understand What changed its worth”
Swift came the reply:
“The Touch Of A Master’s Hand.”

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

My darling Master as I was reading through my mail I reread your letters to me when I lost my proverbial temper and then ashamed found it hard to face you. This exchange of emails speaks volumes of how you play me ( like a Master violinist plays a simple violin and makes it sound like a Masterpiece) . It makes me think of a poem my friend sent some time back…

Again I lay us open and wonder if we should consider taking our diary off the net as we delve deeper and deeper in each others souls how much of ourselves do we want to reveal. In the end does that matter or is it just an illusion when we hide what we are because in essence we are still what we are so should we hide our shame or reveal it …does it make it not so real to hide it?

God you know me you pull you turn you stretch you train and guide in such a wonderful way…it seems you always know what is right …I adore you Master (tomorrow’s entry is the poem that shedevyl sent and the day that follows the exchange of emails where you gently coax me back to the fold where you can deal with my transgressions ) I adore you Master. Thank you for your sensitivity your awareness of me and your never ending Dominance…You are a Master among Masters.

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

As we work through the day we touch each other reach out say I love you in so many ways…. I think those thoughts those touches the cards the letters we send, the poems we write, all the little things that keepus fresh alive ecstatic … The sweet little silly moments I love how we balance D/s in our life it is our focal point and the basis of who we are but we flow with it so comfortably most of the time that we do not have to think of it… it is just who we are … All I can say to that is my Master is perfect for me.

I adore you Master

{Artful}   hello baby
{Artful}   I love you
{natasha_}   I am going work on our diary
{natasha_}   beep me if you need me
{natasha_}   I raise you 1 love  and add an adore and
worship…grin
{Artful}   I’ll fold you
{Artful}   then hold you
{Artful}   put my anti-up in your kitty
{Artful}   give  you a poker and a stud
{Artful}   And some diamonds along with my heart
{Artful}   I love you
{natasha_}   I love you
{Artful}   mmmmmm smiling
{natasha_}   let me know if you want to take a break a bit later and
go play
{natasha_}   leaning against you as I work
{Artful}   OK my lover
{Artful}   I adore you

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

Master I have this vision of you standing before me … a half smile on your face …watching me … quietly gauging me … I am before you naked kneeling awaiting your desire … Knowing that I live to please you and yet knowing you serve me as well as no other ever has our exchange is perfection. Perfectly opposite, perfectly equal, I bask in your Dominion.

This concept of Master serving his slave is one that many might take exception to but in essence the fact that the master guides, stretches, bends, loves and protects serves his slave…In the truest sense of the word the Master gives as much as theslave again perfectly equal and
perfectly opposite….

{natasha_} Kneels before her Master in sweet surrender
{natasha_} I adore you Master
{Artful} Smiles
{Artful} I love you my angel
{natasha-} We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only
fly embracing each other. You are my  guardian angel and I am
your angel slave
{Artful} mmmmmm
{Artful} God I adore you
{natasha-} Smiles

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

Though we ended the old year and started the new year in a bit of a storm, it was a good thing… while I live to serve you I am not a doormat and can not be taken for granted and I know you would not want one to serve you who would accept being negated… I suppose at some point there is a line perhaps the line is when you say something I count on it …. because I know there will be many times when I do not wish to do something but I will do it to serve you push myself so that I can show you the depth of my devotion and love… Many times you now push me till I sob and then take me to you and rebuild me… but the New Year’s was different… it was a commitment broken… But Master you turned that moment into growth for both of us… you did not discount my hurt …you did not attempt to hide behind your Dominion but simply said I am sorry and set out to heal… I adore you. You are a King among men thank you for loving me so.

{Artful} I love you so
{natasha_} You redefined the depth of your devotion
{natasha_} I love YOU so
{Artful} What do you mean by that… just curious
{natasha_} Well Master when the chips were down
{natasha_} You came through with the greatest of gifts your time
your love
{natasha_} You showed me how it hurt you to disappoint me
{natasha_} You put your money where your mouth was so to speak
{Artful} It was like my guts ripping out
{natasha_} You did not discount my feelings
{natasha_} even though you could of just called me dramatic
{natasha_} And knew I would of forgiven you
{natasha_} Instead you worked to heal it
{Artful} I knew you would forgive me…but that wasn’t enough for me
{natasha_} I know and that showed me so much about you
{natasha_} The things that can not be  covered over, hidden, the real
actions the things that transcend the net
{natasha_} You always hear me say people leave hints about what they
really are… THAT, my Master was a big hint about the kind
of  man you are
{Artful} Listens.. water in his eyes
{natasha_} that is why when people say you can not really know
people on the net they are wrong, all you have to do is
look with your heart
{natasha_} There were many lessons here for both of us
{natasha_} You know how I count on you
{natasha_} That I was willing to give up a party to be with you
{natasha_} I know that when you mess up
{natasha_} You will make it right
{Artful} I will do my best at any rate
{natasha_} That you will not take my feelings for granted
{natasha_} so many lessons so many things we learned about one another
{Artful} When I say you are the best thing that has ever happened
to me..  I wasn’t lying
{natasha_} You are the light of my life and may well be the best
thing I have  ever had in my life
{natasha_} Because now I am what my heart always yearned for owned by
my Master and living in D/s … I adore you Master
{natasha_} Grins  I adore you … yes I do
{Artful} I love you with all my heart natasha

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

…….. continued from December 31, 1994

I spent the day encouraging `natasha to be frank with her feelings.. feeling just terrible.. both emotionally and physically.. To make it worse.. I felt she would always remember our first new year as the day I let her down. This I could not bear.

I did not know what to do, I wished I could take back the previous day.. do it all again. Somehow I got the crazy idea that it was yesterday in Australia.. across the international date line (who knows if it really is.. but hey, it sounded good) .. So.. I worked all day and prepared a virtual trip to Australia and suprised her with it before midnight.. a chance to do new years eve over again and do it right.

I am happy to say that it worked. I know she would of forgiven me anyway… but I could not stand the thought of having destroyed her desire for sweet memories of our first new year together.. We had so much fun on our virtual trip to Australia, `natasha asked me to make the story public.. Obviously I agreed….. so.. if you would like.. feel free to share with us our excursion to “Land Down Under” and my trip out of the proverbial dog house. What was that about Doms and not showing their weaknesses? (smiling)

I Adore you my precious darling…(a little silliness goes a long way)
Master

Tags: January 1995 // Add Comment »

I was in a channel discussion the other day. The topic was “Why do Doms have such a difficult time showing their weaknesses”. I chuckled to myself because I wondered why I have such a difficult time hiding mine. `natasha and I frequently speak on the concept regarding shame. I define shame as those deep down feelings of inadequacy that all humans have. I believe its a part of the human condition.. to feel like we should be something better than human.. yet daily we are confronted by our inescapable humanness. The resulting cognitive dissonance motivates us humans to all sorts of foolish things.. to prevent others from discovering that we are suffering from the same terminal disease they are.. the disease of humanness. `natasha and work to crash through these walls of shame that by their nature.. wreak havoc on interpersonal relationships. Personally, I combat shame by changing my perception of my place in the universe. I consider myself to be perfect.. the perfect human.. with all the frailties and silly nonsense that goes along with being human. `natasha is also perfect.. the perfect slave for me.. the perfect woman.. the perfect companion. Does that mean I think she can do no wrong? Of course not, as we all do, she fulfills her destiny as the “perfect human” quite nicely. We work very hard to share all feelings with one another.. even the painful ones.. it helps keep our power exchange fresh and pure. We work just as hard to quickly forgive one another when necessary.

Today, `natasha had the perfect opportunity to “put her money where here mouth is” with respect to quickly forgiving… we had made plans to be together on the phone at midnight and ring in our first new year together. Well.. what can I say.. I stood her up.. I had too much New Years brew at a neighbors house.. a condition I rarely find myself in.. ( I hate the loss of control ). Too drunk to have a conversation, too hung over the next day to be of worth to anyone. Needless to say natasha was heartbroken.. hurt.. and angry with me.. It’s so odd how I have no problem laying delicious painful welts on her thighs yet at the same time, to discover I have hurt her precious heart devastates me.

……continued January 1, 1995

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