29 January 1995

Occasionally I get weird and though I know it does not surprise you it surprises me … It scares me when I cannot find that place of peace…. That place where you are first … you tell me over and over this is perfect natasha you cannot have it more perfect … there has to be ebbs and tides… We are as perfect as we can be…. You tell me when we live together many of these things will not be issues…we both surrender to the other in so many ways to maintain the purity of what we have … And you are right … When you say nothing worth having is easy … So let the doubters do their doubting and those that shout “but it is not real life” let them scream it at the top of their lungs meanwhile I will slip to the ground and lay my cheek to the floor, my bottom in the air and whisper softly Master I am here to serve you in any way I can ….no matter where you are no matter where I am … I am yours…. I adore you your slave natasha

Dear Master,

This morning you asked me to write to you expressing my feelings. Expressing what it is that makes me fight my surrender balk like a wild kitten…

Yesterday I struggled wondering are we spinning our wheels….

Having given up all my hands on training when I committed to you at times I ache so deeply for the feel of the whip … But it is part of my surrender… the commitment to wait until we can be together in the flesh…. It is not something you asked for but something I gave … Knowing I could never truly surrender to another given our circumstances…

Previous commitments business and otherwise and potential legal battles keeping us apart at this time we both sacrifice…

Having surrendered in my life, to the kiss of the whip and experienced bondage/bdsm in my life I feel certain this is the path for me I am also aware that I feel our relationship my surrender to you is the deepezst the most entrancing I have yet to experience … But please understand I am human and when every where I turn so many say to any who will listen “virtual communication, virtual surrender, phone domination ? Come on get real “ I sometimes let doubt creep in …

Though you are with me every moment, I know you know my soul… I know you dominate me in a way I have never experienced completely and blissfully and yet I still get lose focus, become confused….

Like you said this morning it can never be as rich as what we will have flesh to flesh, but the intensity of what we have, the purity the depth even 1500 miles apart is what most people dream of in any circumstance….

Another point you made is this is as if you were away at war, working etc and we were separated. You asked “would our love be less real?” I have to say no….

I have had many relationships over the years … One the last one for many many years and that was a wonderful and intense relationship but as things do it changed ….but I must say none has been as intense and deep as this so raw so real no secret places you have come to see my dark corners my shame…my intimacy is yours… I have nothing that is not yours no thoughts, no feelings …I display them all openly

Yesterday … I brought you the truth my doubts and you did not object, you objected to how I reacted to them, how I behaved …. And I know I was not as kind as I could be I did not think of how I was making you feel… And for that I am sorry …. But I can not pretend I struggle at times to maintain the reality to not get weird … It seems like I go between being so filled I bubble over like a fool and saying “oh God what am I doing am I slipping into fantasy how can this be … How can I be feeling this …. Am I becoming a computer geek who is replacing real life with the virtual” …. Though as we know I am very busy in the real time world as you are and we both have forsaken sleep to spend 3 to 4 hours a day if not more speaking on the phone and 2 to 4 hours more trying to maintain our projects together…

Most of the time am in my glory serving you …you guide most of the moments in my day … I always consider what your wishes are, and feel that all I do is for you as it should be you own me … But some times it is hard … I struggle…I get scared ….and you are so far… It takes enormous discipline Master to stay in surrender with just your direction from afar…your voice your words…

I know you forgive my doubts ….but I am human I struggle and though I try to stay ~~~~THERE~~~~ (in our oasis) all the time I just can’t and sometimes I feel like I am failing and I want to run to hide …

I understand how hard it is for you as a Master to control and guide me from afar and I appreciate your love your effort your constant vigilance …

God how hard it must of been for the pioneers who had courtships through letters that took sometimes months…

I will try Master very hard to do better to please you and trust in our love… And not cut my self off from you making your ability to Master me impossible ….

Your very human and sometime frail sub / slave

I Do Adore You

natash?a

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