20 January 1995

While all this is happening I am speaking with a long time mentor and friend ….he has been my lover my teacher my friend for over a year …. He asks you if he may scene with me …you say no… Telling him we have a stretch of time ahead of us before we can be together and you want to keep us on the same path … If he is interested in sceneing we can do it as a group with another sub ect but you are not loaning me out… We all speak on the phone via conference … You explain your position…

When this friend and I speak alone the sexual tension is raw … We have always explored our dark dreams together coming together and walking away intact and richer for it …why should now be different? And finally we agree we will do this, I will separate the two…. I leave and think about the ramifications I have NEVER lied to you or been other than monogamous since we agreed… But why should this be different than another time and this is IRC it is not like you and I, a real love affair, it is a friend ship a mutual masturbation an exploration a melding of the minds not like you …. Ah ha the big difference in the past I was never owned….. But I have yet to realize what that means how I will feel…….

Well we meet later …. go off alone … we scene, I am horrified what have I done … do I live with his lie forever do I tell you … my friend hurt and angry leaves when I tell him of my shame … My horror at what I have done

I will not go into details here as I want to protect parties involved but I bow my head and a tear slides slowly down my body……

I go for a walk I call you tell you of my deceit ……

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