31 December 1994

I was in a channel discussion the other day. The topic was “Why do Doms have such a difficult time showing their weaknesses”. I chuckled to myself because I wondered why I have such a difficult time hiding mine. `natasha and I frequently speak on the concept regarding shame. I define shame as those deep down feelings of inadequacy that all humans have. I believe its a part of the human condition.. to feel like we should be something better than human.. yet daily we are confronted by our inescapable humanness. The resulting cognitive dissonance motivates us humans to all sorts of foolish things.. to prevent others from discovering that we are suffering from the same terminal disease they are.. the disease of humanness. `natasha and work to crash through these walls of shame that by their nature.. wreak havoc on interpersonal relationships. Personally, I combat shame by changing my perception of my place in the universe. I consider myself to be perfect.. the perfect human.. with all the frailties and silly nonsense that goes along with being human. `natasha is also perfect.. the perfect slave for me.. the perfect woman.. the perfect companion. Does that mean I think she can do no wrong? Of course not, as we all do, she fulfills her destiny as the “perfect human” quite nicely. We work very hard to share all feelings with one another.. even the painful ones.. it helps keep our power exchange fresh and pure. We work just as hard to quickly forgive one another when necessary.

Today, `natasha had the perfect opportunity to “put her money where here mouth is” with respect to quickly forgiving… we had made plans to be together on the phone at midnight and ring in our first new year together. Well.. what can I say.. I stood her up.. I had too much New Years brew at a neighbors house.. a condition I rarely find myself in.. ( I hate the loss of control ). Too drunk to have a conversation, too hung over the next day to be of worth to anyone. Needless to say natasha was heartbroken.. hurt.. and angry with me.. It’s so odd how I have no problem laying delicious painful welts on her thighs yet at the same time, to discover I have hurt her precious heart devastates me.

……continued January 1, 1995

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