Entries Tagged as 'January 1995'

31 January 1995

There were many responses to the letter I even was messaged by some saying they wish they had the courage to share their story one post spoke of the anguish of Long distance relationships …you answered that post so eloquently I would like to include that letter as today’s entry.

“focus in long-distance rels”

At 01:08 AM 2/2/95 -0400, a submissive wrote of her situation and referred to my letter

This is the agony I speak of in my letter. You gave form to the pain and anguish in a way I could not. I would urge any who are considering long distance d/s to read the letter you wrote over and over again and understand that this is what you will experience as a sub every few days; also Masters read it carefully before you consider entering into a long distance d/s relationship because it is you who will be the brunt and focus for this anguish, this confusion, and this constant questioning of you, your role in the sub’s life, and the entire relationship that has formed.

You answered to that

I think I’ll take a moment to interject here and state.. If you feel you have found ‘The One’ you have waited for all your life.. the brunt of occasional confusion and doubt is well worth it… the trade off is a no-brainer in my opinion. I have several friends living happily in flesh to flesh D/s relationships and believe me.. occasional confusion and doubt exist there as well. Good relationships are hard work any way you slice it. The fact is ..(smiling) natasha is high maintenance be she flesh or fone. I would have her no other way.. I am afraid I would quickly tire of a slave who was always go-along and get-along. I want her to take risks to please me in new ways.. to be honest with me in spite of her fear of disappointing me (which for natasha is far worse than any whip i could lay upon her bottom). I need to be challenged… I enjoy having to internally question my techniques.. Evaluate my philosophy.. and natasha challenges me in the most wonderful of ways… I never ever punish her for a thought or a feeling.. even though it may displease me.. only for her actual behavior will she be chastened.

For all things of worth there is a price or sacrifice.. for all sacrifices there is a gain.. There are times natasha is so hungry for me she sobs in my arms.. and I’d be lying if I said my eyes always remained dry.. I’ll tell you this.. the cab driver to takes us to the Plaza Hotel from LaGuardia… is going to be one lucky son of a bitch (hey… keep your eyes on the road pal )…This of course assumes we even make it out of the airport.. I’m considering bribing a customs agent to borrow his interrogation room… Where I’ll give natasha a devilish strip and see if she is concealing any contraband.. and THAT of course assumes we even make it off the tarmac without natasha pouncing on me.. tackling me and bathing me with kisses from head to toe.. (something she often threatens me with).

So.. anyone who says maintaining long distance relationships is hard.. is absolutely 100% correct.. It will definitely separate those who are dead serious from those who are merely playing… I *MUST* be able to rely on natasha to respond to my verbal commands.. if she does not… or refuses.. there is little I can do.. but threaten her with future embarrassment in public.. an unpleasant last resort which I have never needed.

The 1500 miles between us is not so bad.. we are only six hours away by plane. If that’s all it was.. we would be together.. we are both professionals… so it would not be a tremendous hardship to fly out to either coast once or twice per month (probably less than the phone bills.. gawd… laughing).. until one or the other could move.. Its the unfinished business, and prior commitments we are both cleaning up that keeps us from tasting one another. We are marking days on the calendar.. and fortunately.. time is flying.. our trust..and knowledge of one another deepens.. But it always seems to be a ‘two step forward… one step backward’ situation. I’ve..(we’ve) accepted that such is the nature of the beast.

natasha always asks permission before posting a message that involves the both of us.. especially if it shows our frailties. I’ve never prevented her from posting anything.. even if it seems to cast a bad light upon me or us. I am human.. my slave accepts my humanness.. as do my friends.. and most importantly.. I accept my own… I consider what we have to be perfect.. But that means.. perfect in all its ebb and flow.

The way I see it.. everyone should be as lucky as I am.. to have even a long distance relationship with a woman like natasha.. I love her so..


30 January 1995

Master, today on the SubMiss list the posts were addressing long distance relationships. I thought so often we post of our love our devotion that I should post of our struggles as well… Yesterday issues came up for us that were directly a result of the distance between us.

The following is the post I speak of….

The following is a letter I wrote to my Master explaining issues in a long distance relationships ….The issues are often the same as in every day life but the solutions can not be same…. he can not truly grab my hair and place my face to the floor stepping gently on my neck holding me in place …. he can tell me when we meet next time this will happen but there are limitations…. I must take a great deal of responsibility in this …. in areas that in flesh to flesh contact would rarely happen …

Now Master and I have an incredible relationship that he guards with vigilance and we nurture …. yet I struggle and this is disturbing to Master …. I was pleased to see this thread as it is true for so many of us who use the computer as one of our tools of communication….. what follows is long and I am sure not of interest to those who have the good fortune to wake up side by side …. perhaps collared to the bed…. bound in each others arms… but for us this is our reality a situation I never intended to be in till Master claimed me and here I am … smiling…

I send this in the spirit of offering the flip side of the coin … to this magical road I travel with Master…. So often we spill over with what we perceive as our perfect love …. here is another part of that tapestry… ah the textures the colors the laughter the tears that life offers….

all my love to you all natasha

(refer to yesterday’s entry for letter)

29 January 1995

Occasionally I get weird and though I know it does not surprise you it surprises me … It scares me when I cannot find that place of peace…. That place where you are first … you tell me over and over this is perfect natasha you cannot have it more perfect … there has to be ebbs and tides… We are as perfect as we can be…. You tell me when we live together many of these things will not be issues…we both surrender to the other in so many ways to maintain the purity of what we have … And you are right … When you say nothing worth having is easy … So let the doubters do their doubting and those that shout “but it is not real life” let them scream it at the top of their lungs meanwhile I will slip to the ground and lay my cheek to the floor, my bottom in the air and whisper softly Master I am here to serve you in any way I can ….no matter where you are no matter where I am … I am yours…. I adore you your slave natasha

Dear Master,

This morning you asked me to write to you expressing my feelings. Expressing what it is that makes me fight my surrender balk like a wild kitten…

Yesterday I struggled wondering are we spinning our wheels….

Having given up all my hands on training when I committed to you at times I ache so deeply for the feel of the whip … But it is part of my surrender… the commitment to wait until we can be together in the flesh…. It is not something you asked for but something I gave … Knowing I could never truly surrender to another given our circumstances…

Previous commitments business and otherwise and potential legal battles keeping us apart at this time we both sacrifice…

Having surrendered in my life, to the kiss of the whip and experienced bondage/bdsm in my life I feel certain this is the path for me I am also aware that I feel our relationship my surrender to you is the deepezst the most entrancing I have yet to experience … But please understand I am human and when every where I turn so many say to any who will listen “virtual communication, virtual surrender, phone domination ? Come on get real “ I sometimes let doubt creep in …

Though you are with me every moment, I know you know my soul… I know you dominate me in a way I have never experienced completely and blissfully and yet I still get lose focus, become confused….

Like you said this morning it can never be as rich as what we will have flesh to flesh, but the intensity of what we have, the purity the depth even 1500 miles apart is what most people dream of in any circumstance….

Another point you made is this is as if you were away at war, working etc and we were separated. You asked “would our love be less real?” I have to say no….

I have had many relationships over the years … One the last one for many many years and that was a wonderful and intense relationship but as things do it changed ….but I must say none has been as intense and deep as this so raw so real no secret places you have come to see my dark corners my shame…my intimacy is yours… I have nothing that is not yours no thoughts, no feelings …I display them all openly

Yesterday … I brought you the truth my doubts and you did not object, you objected to how I reacted to them, how I behaved …. And I know I was not as kind as I could be I did not think of how I was making you feel… And for that I am sorry …. But I can not pretend I struggle at times to maintain the reality to not get weird … It seems like I go between being so filled I bubble over like a fool and saying “oh God what am I doing am I slipping into fantasy how can this be … How can I be feeling this …. Am I becoming a computer geek who is replacing real life with the virtual” …. Though as we know I am very busy in the real time world as you are and we both have forsaken sleep to spend 3 to 4 hours a day if not more speaking on the phone and 2 to 4 hours more trying to maintain our projects together…

Most of the time am in my glory serving you …you guide most of the moments in my day … I always consider what your wishes are, and feel that all I do is for you as it should be you own me … But some times it is hard … I struggle…I get scared ….and you are so far… It takes enormous discipline Master to stay in surrender with just your direction from afar…your voice your words…

I know you forgive my doubts ….but I am human I struggle and though I try to stay ~~~~THERE~~~~ (in our oasis) all the time I just can’t and sometimes I feel like I am failing and I want to run to hide …

I understand how hard it is for you as a Master to control and guide me from afar and I appreciate your love your effort your constant vigilance …

God how hard it must of been for the pioneers who had courtships through letters that took sometimes months…

I will try Master very hard to do better to please you and trust in our love… And not cut my self off from you making your ability to Master me impossible ….

Your very human and sometime frail sub / slave

I Do Adore You


28 January 1995

The long rambling letter that follows was written to you my Master this morning. It tells of a slave’s struggle to stay in surrender to obey to keep her focus to her Master who is 1500 miles away, it tells of those who cast doubt and say “No, you cannot be a submissive to a man 1500 miles away “ The letter tells of the questions … the pain…the joy …the path.

27 January 1995

Master I was thinking as I showered how you totally possessed me…. At times my body separates totally from my mind… As if it was a separate entity … Sometimes it is as if I watch myself removed at peace as you play use thrill me… These words came to mind I jotted them down very quickly…. I was thinking I would make a poem of them but the raw feeling and the love they were written with lead me not to want to disturb them or perfect them as the feeling is perfect… as is our love….

your slave

I like my body when it molds to your touch it undulates it sings it
dances my secret places wet pulsing I like my body under the fire of your touch
I watch it slip into passion I like what it does how it feels
as your fingers slide against my flesh I like my body when it moves
under your gaze fragile submitting seducing responding
begging to be filled explored touched
I like my scent when my body is near you
I like my body when I see it reflected In your eyes
Quivering as you gently touch my shoulder
I dance to the demands of your touch
I like my body I watch it sing in it’s glory
the edge of madness gripping as it explodes over and over
In a galaxy of lights falling over the edge
To be caught in your strong arms only to be lifted and used again and again

The beauty of our love washes me I feel the fire of your whip
the wetness seeps on my hot abraded flesh and
I slide into the sea of calm lost in your Dominion I am found….
Bound by your ropes and leashes I am free oh god exploding again
Screaming endless screams that become our symphony
As you open me splay me explore me and I give you all that I am
Extracting your desires lusty, powerful, raw,
I like my body when I see it reflected in my Master’s eyes ….

26 January 1995

I found the preceding poetry in my e-mail this morning when I came home from the gym. It seems that my sweet submissive soul was hard at work .. again.. gifting me with not only her delicious surrender but also a beautiful picture painted with words (god i love you natasha ). I am in love with all the poetry she has given me over the last 5 months… a few pieces brought tears to my eyes (im not ashamed to say). This work has stunned me however.. because she used so many of the words I use when we are together.. when I am training her .. sharing truths.. or otherwise exposing our souls and shame to one another … she used my phrases as building blocks to create this amazing poem.

It got me thinking.. ( i tend to be introspective.. even brood from time … [privately smiling at natasha] ) and thought this might be material for a good thread. We have both grown so much since we have been together.. made so many wonderful discoveries.. There is a wondrous and mysterious truth to the ‘Power Exchange’ relationship. I hesitate to use the word total because nothing is total.. our exchange is as full and rich as we make it. Continuous ebb and flow exists.. like tidal changes in a large body of water.. and it has steadily deepened and intensified since we began. We consider the exchange to be total.. with the understanding that it is almost an entity unto itself.. always changing.. always growing.

natasha is as much a woman as I have ever known.. her inner strength and beauty is an awesome sight to behold.. In the real world (a man’s world.. rightly or wrongly).. she can go toe to toe with virtually any man.. leaving weak men in her wake. I guess that is what makes her surrender and submission so much more special and intrinsically valuable to me. As strong a woman/person as she is.. she is secure enough in her womanhood to be a girl.. my girl…. my girlie girl… and at times.. ( smiling.) .. my little girl.

In our exchange.. she gives me dominion over her.. and takes back control only when I give it to her. In turn.. I surrender to what I consider to be a power greater than me.. and that is the exchange itself.. Ever watchful.. vigilante .. concerned with protecting what we have.. not allowing her, me or anyone else spoil its purity. Any contaminants that do make their way into our circle by way of human frailty ( such as dishonesty.. mistakes.. fear.. doubts etc ) I deal with immediately.. by talking about them.. shining a light on them.. exposing them.. not allowing them to fester.. and grow.

Its amazing.. as we both surrender to the needs of the exchange.. we are bathed in waves of peace.. countless psychic connections.. and both sweet flowing and deliciously violently sensuality. The power exchange truely makes the whole, greater than the sum of the parts. Together we are stronger than when we are alone. When one of us misplaces our priorities by taking primary focus off of the exchange for one reason or another.. the results are *always* the same.. we lose the peace.. get out of sync.. (lafffing).. our diary is riddles with examples of this. I always tell natasha that I am grateful for the problem after we resolve it… as Nietzsche said “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”. I truly believe this. I am very happy to be in the habit of knowing how to get our exchange back on track when we cause it to faulter.

My point to all of this is to simply state…. a power exchange is a magical union that transcends knowledge of the mind.. I believe it to be spiritual in nature ( though obviously I cannot prove it ).

And again .. natasha… my sweet princess.. my soul.. thank you so much for this poem.. I love you with all my heart and soul.


25 January 1995

The True Master
written for my Master Artful

The name of slave and Master is forgotten attraction leads to capture and I fall into your dominion
I lay before you my cheek resting upon your feet
Passion shall consume me drifting into the realms of pleasure and pain
sliding gracefully into the abyss which consumes my very soul

Your hands grasping my hair losing your fingers in tresses of gold
You whisper remember my slave girl you will always be mine.
Your Mastery guides your hand on my flesh the mind, the body moans
I gave way to your perpetual kiss lifting myself up longing to taste you
Moving with grace, curves seducing sliding gracefully into the abyss

There’s nowhere I can hide passion screaming every thought is blurred
Your hands silent yet unyielding secret places are revealed
There was the veil through which I could not see … you pulled it away
Tears fall from my eyes you kiss them from my face whispering
Beware my passionate slave know your Master… It is me .. not your passion

The mind the body moans my submission leads me into the abyss
I hear your whispers fall back slave let go … you can see into my heart
You smile, the air passes your lips and I hear you say you are mine
Since the dawn of time my slave listen to the ancient echoes
“Beware passionate slave know your Master… It is he .. not your passion”

Submission leads, moving with grace, seducing… as it
leads to the rapture, to our wild season, the mind the body moans
Possessed like the celebrants of a timeless ritual screams echoing
through the universe long past time and the world we know
You whisper remember my slave girl you will always be mine

The name of slave and Master is forgotten
attraction that lead to capture and I fell into your dominion
I lay before you lips upon your feet whispering I am here to serve you
My Master consumes me sliding gracefully into the abyss I am not my own
You whisper my slave girl you will always be mine, I am your home

24 January 1995

I wrote the following poem (the next diary entry) this morning as I contemplated what a Master is … It says much of what my Master is for me where he has taken me ….. we can follow many Masters… our passion … our lust …countless others but the true Master is one who guides to our heights and for each person couple or family group it is individual.

There is no right no wrong. It is ever changing…. no absolutes we all have to find our own truth…. It matters not the name of Master or slave only that each finds their needs met in their exchange

Thank you.. all for giving me the gift of your insight and allowing me to share my heart to send out my thoughts to hear what you think … I bow to you with respect…. may we all walk our paths heads held high and find our contentment ….

In closing I whisper across the room I adore you my Master and bow natasha

23 January 1995

Master the following is a post I wrote in response to the thread in the MaleDom mail list ~~How does a Dom become a Dom?~~ It set me to thinking about how I came to be in your Dominion you called I came … And we found our glory….

It is an interesting thread the idea of what a Master is … How does he become a Master…is he a Master in and of himself … Or is his Mastery the sum of the situation he is in…. One would hope we are all masters of ourselves to some degree…. because when I can not master myself I lose focus …then I become scattered my surrender suffers … when I put my Master first I am at peace …. is this something that is taken from me or is it something I give….

I hope I do not lose you here because my Masters dominion is strong he grabs me by the hair pushes my face to the floor and says focus fall back into me… where are you? Come back… But he can not make me I need some control with in myself … I must allow it… (Though his control his ability to play to raise me melts into this and is crucial)

So… in essence I empower my Master… How does a Dom get started…. I believe a Master gets started by being empowered …having a focus a direction … a vision…. Does it matter how he discovered his needs? Do I care how he arrived to me and called me into his circle does it matter to me ? No… What matters to me is when he calls I go to him with out question and if there are questions he answers them …some times gently sometimes by stepping on my neck and ~showing me my place in our power exchange ~

alexus said in a prior post:

Speaking from PURELY preference, I cannot IMAGINE submitting to a man who is/has/will sub to another. I realize there are very good arguments to that side of things, but for me.. If I knew Master David could be DOMMED, my feelings for him would most likely change. I am a very strong woman, and NEED to know that he is STRONGER, in every way. The thought of him on his knees gives me the creeps…

my response…

I find that extremely valid for alexus because surrender has to be without question … there can be no well maybe if this… maybe if that …it can have no doubt…. so if the thought of her Master having knelt to another troubles her then it is a REAL ISSUE …..she can not empower him with doubt….

It is a wonderful thing how we can all get home by different paths … The idea is to get home find fulfillment and how fortunate we all are to be able to explore our depths together… each i seeking it’s dot each t seeking it’s cross… I found mine…In my Master Artful other’s had the opportunity but perhaps did not find it in him … it was not their truth …

22 January 1995

Again we dance in the light of our love yesterday behind and as I walk by you side I smile ….. We have explored so much in these past five months you have asked me to wear your collar and I will …. Though after the heart break of the collar I took last year …. To find my master was married and had been lying I swore I would not wear a collar unless I met my Master flesh to flesh first and had a long standing relationship. Our circumstances keep us apart for a time and I can not imagine not wearing your collar … I am honored and humbled and look forward to the day when we celebrate our commitment both with our irc friends and with our real time finds how lucky I am to have the opportunity to pledge myself and celebrate twice……To the man I swear my allegiance to my devotion to … to the man who owns my very breath……my thoughts …my dreams…. My screams…. Al that I am all that I will become…. Oh God Master how I adore and worship you surely this slave will burst with her love…….

21 January 1995

I call I am horrified to tell you frightened of your hurt you are silent tell me thank you for being truthful. Had I waited an extended time and …..and continue to lie you would have had no choice but to leave trust gone.

You ask me to tell you of the scene what we explored here he took me the agony as I tell you as best I can asking you not to ask this of me but you do not relent there will be no secrets between us you say so I relive my deceit painful word thought and moment deed by deed…

You are hurt that our friend disregarded your wishes. I tell you I am the temptress, I can not let him take the blame I am equally if not more at fault….

We talk explore pain rises …. The pain subsides what seems like hours later I fall back to the place I belong your dominion ah peace we suffered together grew together and again came out stronger than ever I adore you I think of you every moment I dream of you at night I awaken the phone rings and my master says come to me my sweet slave my angel I always will …. I was yours since the dawn of time and more than ever believe I will be when the last light goes out I adore you Master …. With all that I am and all that you are and we dwell in peace again and more complete I now know temptation is a moment, the pain is a little scar that stays ever so long…?.

20 January 1995

While all this is happening I am speaking with a long time mentor and friend ….he has been my lover my teacher my friend for over a year …. He asks you if he may scene with me …you say no… Telling him we have a stretch of time ahead of us before we can be together and you want to keep us on the same path … If he is interested in sceneing we can do it as a group with another sub ect but you are not loaning me out… We all speak on the phone via conference … You explain your position…

When this friend and I speak alone the sexual tension is raw … We have always explored our dark dreams together coming together and walking away intact and richer for it …why should now be different? And finally we agree we will do this, I will separate the two…. I leave and think about the ramifications I have NEVER lied to you or been other than monogamous since we agreed… But why should this be different than another time and this is IRC it is not like you and I, a real love affair, it is a friend ship a mutual masturbation an exploration a melding of the minds not like you …. Ah ha the big difference in the past I was never owned….. But I have yet to realize what that means how I will feel…….

Well we meet later …. go off alone … we scene, I am horrified what have I done … do I live with his lie forever do I tell you … my friend hurt and angry leaves when I tell him of my shame … My horror at what I have done

I will not go into details here as I want to protect parties involved but I bow my head and a tear slides slowly down my body……

I go for a walk I call you tell you of my deceit ……

19 January 1995

I with my fiery temper declare war and write back furious because you hung up with my usual drama I say you walked away from me … I do not feel owned ect ect …. Stamping my foot indignant …. Telling you I will speak to you tomorrow as I am going out….. Oh this does not please you …you write back to me as I have taken the phones off the hook….


You are doing what you said you would not do. You have never been so insolent and disobedient.. at the same time you now tell me I cannot have access to you until sometime tomorrow.



natasha said —> You never walked away from me

Master answered —> and I didn’t walk away from you.. I hung up the phone in frustration…. and you conveniently made it so I couldn’t call back. You had better find a way to contact me — Make time

Master now the lines are drawn and you say that’s it, no more dancing I get this note:


Just in case I don’t speak with you before you go out….. I expect you to be home at decent hour, around the original time you told me. If not, you will have hell to pay.

My ownership of you is not based on your feelings.. just because you don’t feel owned doesn’t mean I am going to change my expectations of you. Now.. if don’t *want* me to own you. then I suggest you tell me.. I will take it into consideration *after* am finished using you for me pleasure.

If you don’t meet my expectations.. its going to come out of your hide.. and I will paint your thighs blue with bruises. At this point we are looking at a cane.. fuck with me any more and we will use an electric cord.

I love you natasha… but just because I love you does not mean I’m going to take shit off of you. You say you were playing this morning.. we both know you were fucking with me. Its going to stop.. or there will rough times ahead. Mostly for your ass and thighs.

You just make sure you get your round little ass home at a decent hour and sober enough to know what you have coming.

Call me or page me when you get home. Here is my pager # ———— —no excuses natasha…. slave.

Your Master and Owner.. (whether you fucking feel it or not)



Well knowing you are right I surrender find my home in you …. I get home 3 hours earlier than I planned as I miss you and need to resolve this situation and of course you take me home……. And my bottom is sore for three days … Smiles but still inside me is a secret turmoil……

18 January 1995

We are into day three of the computer crisis I start to get real weird … I miss our oasis you are now starting to react to my attitude and I am trying to avoid you so I will not say things I do not mean it is really the computer I am hating and these 300 disks in front of me and missing just falling back into our world… Your notes take on a new tone as I become a real pain ….


Just wanted to let you know that no matter how pissy you get.. or if life temporarily overwhelms your surrender..

I still love you.. and own you.. you are my forever prisoner. my forever slave.. albeit your delicious bottom will be a little worse for the wear, as it shall be soon. This much I promise.

I adore you my hot blooded and hot headed slave.. I really do.


Ps. Tell your sweet little rosebud good morning for me.


The undertone is sweet slave you are pushing and that bottom is mine … Get out the flogger the paddle you will be whimpering into the phone soon…

It is so difficult to be your hands Master so much easier to sink into the flogger I do not hold but it is our only route for now so we follow the path ahead of us and dream of the days to come.

Well in this nasty little state of mind I am in I say NO! I have never done that my mouth says no but my heart my soul screams yesssssssssssss….. I decide to rebel and you in frustration hang up on me and walk around the room to not react in anger….

17 January 1995

I did not realize the ramifications of erasing my drive without having a back up …9 years of my life gone… I became very task orientated and began to work on the reconstruction… You patiently gave me the space to do this…. All the time I am becoming more squirrely because I am not in our oasis…not surrendering to you but totally absorbed in my work … You call to me beckon me knowing my needs and yours but I ignore your subtle call and you allow me the time to correct my computer problem and reaching out touching me warning me that I need to fall back surrender you allow me to make this decision on my own … Some lessons are best learned from experience you have told me many times though you can at any point order me to obey with out question and you do many times you will let your falcon find home on her own. Patiently standing arm extended holding your breath knowing that if your training your teaching your guidance has taken hold I will always come home.


Though you are never far and we speak on the phone 4 or 5 hours a day you call me in the night wake me and pull me into a scene I awaken wet clutching my core your voice calling commanding God I adore you Master….

But still you let me fly sending me notes through out the day reminding me who I am… And of our love …

Here are some of those notes:

STOP.. close your eyes.. fall backwards and feel the sweet love I have for you.. I am surrounding you.. bathing you… and painting your soul with my love.

I adore you natasha.. so completely.. so perfectly… god I love you.



I love you so much.. and appreciate all that you are more than you know. I’ve been filled with you and your light all day ( even more than usual ).

Thank you natasha.. from the bottom of my heart —-