The Living Diary of a Submissive

This letter was written to a very dear friend who like all friends wants the best for me and voiced some concerns… now I respect this man deeply and had to process some of his comments carefully to decide their validity for me. Seeing the intensity of my relationship with Artful, some friends are thrilled, some concerned. We get many incredible letters in reference to our web page which thrill us and move us as well.

Sometimes a friends perception is the most valuable gift even if it is not quite accurate …because a true friend baring their thoughts, taking a chance, often gives you an opportunity to look at yourself I a different light. The following letter is in response to several conversations I have had with a Dom friend. I told him of some of my struggles and he said perhaps you should back off a bit relax… I thought about that and the following letter to him ensued.

I want to say one more thing I am grateful for each person who comes into my life who shares their precious gift of time with me be it here or in real time….

My Dearest Friend,

Thank you… and I do wish you the best also… I thought and thought about what you said to me and I am responding to the issues you brought up.

Master Artful takes me deeper and deeper it is not something I can stop…but I struggle with my fear of it… We talk about it I feel guilty for the work it brings him to guide me through my doubts. He said this to me. One of his former slaves that was, and is a real life slave for many years, struggles also and that all good submissive/slaves seem to struggle with their surrender that in reality when you are strong minded to begin with it is a struggle at times to let go. He said to me `do you think I *always* feel Masterful`

It is hard to explain but I am coming to terms with my fears…and remember I have done real life scenes with friends that have 20 years in the lifestyle so I know the difference and the limitations we face but I also know this is an incredible journey.

We all have our own truth and though for you surrender on IRC is an impossibility or highly unlikely that is not my truth … We work at it and it is difficult at best, and missing many components, but in ways, far superior to many other real life relationships I have had…

Let me explain first I feel no need to justify Artful and I but your questions and comments struck a chord in me that I wanted to examine and I process extremely well through my writing so I thought I would share my thoughts with you in the process of sorting through this.

For one Artful and I are steeped in reality… We have many projects across the net and we have a web page that demands allot of attention …We work side by side to accomplish our goals as well as meet deadlines… organize ect…very real life issues….

Our intent is to go real life and all our communication via IRC is based on that…IRC being a vehicle for us to communicate.

My surrender is real so real at times it terrifies me…will I change…will I lose control….will I be safe….Will I please My Master…

You say `pull back relax` … how can you pull back from what grips your very soul…I want/need to surrender… I want/need the heavy Domination….But Most of All I ache to Please my Master because when I put him first all seems to right itself. It is just this fight I have with myself … I am my own worst tormentor… But Artful never budges he does what he feels is right for us and every time I come out of my personal struggle stronger yet more submissive closer and closer to what I know now will never be a finished journey the journey I have embarked with, along with Artful… Because as soon as I get `there` he takes us on to new wonders.

Now… finally as that softness envelopes me and I pass yet another barrier I understand and feel the peace the journey continues and I as a submissive am so grateful to Artful for his unwavering tenacity with his submissive… I am an incredible amount of work…he calls me his labor of love.

As for the comment that I have lost my sense of fun, my silliness, I have to tell you when ever you and I speak it is so intense I can hardly breath at times… silly is not even remotely possible… there is always an underlying tone a feeling I am being judged talked down to… That I can not possibly know my own mind…At times I am introspective on this issue. Who wouldn’t be? I am laying my life in someones hands… I will continue I am sure, to try to figure it out, and Artful will grab me by the hair and tell me he adores me and to let go and focus on him…and I will…

I am closing this letter with love and in hopes that we grow our friendship … As I value you but I ask that you honor who I am and respect my choice in both my Master and how we chose to live our life…it means so much to me as you do… Try not to pass judgment on us but accept we have found our path….With Fondness and Love

Yours in D/s,
natasha

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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The The one thing I know beyond doubt is that ‘YOU’ put ‘US’ first and this following log was one of those moments when the world could wait, and our love, our passion, our need, and release, was first and foremost on your agenda… I am so thankful that you put us first not our popularity, not a channel, not anything in our lives…YOU always protect our Master/slave relationship….Master I bask in your dominion…

I had risen early to send Halloween cards and work on our diary … and was just about to get back to the work I had been doing for the past two hours when I heard “natasha come here…” the following sweet scene followed…I adore you Master.

{Artful} hello my precious treasure
{Artful} are you finished yet?
{natasha} well they are all on their way, yes finished
{natasha} now I am working on our diary
{Artful} YAY
{natasha} that was quite a job
{Artful} ahh still working well I’m going to take a shower if you
are working on the diary
{natasha} is that OK?
{Artful} yes its fine my love go ahead, I need to take one anyway I
love you see you in a little while
{natasha} OK, Master smiles….
{Artful} hey
{Artful} natasha
{Artful} Come here a minute
{natasha} walks to her Master…smiling I adore you Master
{Artful} gazes in to the deep green eyes of his forever slave
{Artful} places his hands on her cheeks
{natasha} smiles and looks back with love…dizzy a bit from sending
so may cards laughing…crosses her eyes
{Artful} pulling her close… pressing against her
{natasha} forms herself to you oh Master I love you
{Artful} placing his mouth on hers..
{natasha} groans with pleasure
{Artful} forcing it open with his tongue kissing her with a violent
passion
{natasha} surrendering to the love and her Master’s domination oh
goddddddddddddddddddddddd breathless reaching for
you shaking
{Artful} moving his tongue in her mouth where ever he wishes…
tasting the familiar sweetness of her saliva
{natasha} moaning grasping the nape of your neck
{Artful} suckling her tongue
{natasha} on my tiptoes so our centers can meet
{Artful} pressing his firming cock to her pelvis
{natasha} oh Master
{Artful} pulling her center to him.. his hands now on her bottom
{natasha} I feel you push into me through me and I feel myself go
weak
{Artful} grinding into her taking what he wants
{natasha} senseless with desire…. oh god Master
{natasha} can you call me later I so want to hear your voice
{Artful} telling her with each breath she belongs to him for ever
and always
{natasha} moans and her body quivers like a willow in the wind
{Artful} god I need to be inside you
{natasha} oh Master
{Artful} I need to split you
{natasha} opens her legs
{Artful} make you burn
{natasha} I need to feel you, sheathe you in my core
{Artful} and fuck you until you are a sobbing heap in my arms oh
god you are my sheath, my only sheath
{natasha} whispers yes yes yes and you are the only one who
knows this body this soul this mind
{Artful} you have given me all that you are
{natasha} as you have given me all that you are the same yet
opposite
{Artful} and I own you… your very soul you receive all things
through me
{natasha} our power exchanged to perfection has become a circle
flowing from me into you and back eternal ….
{Artful} oh god..
{natasha} our love stretches into eternity
{Artful} electricity flows through my cock like a warm tingling
liquid our perfect exchange.. the way a man and a
woman were meant to be I honestly believe that
{natasha} smiles …..as her core is aching with the flames that lick
through her
{natasha} yes as I do Master
{Artful} and yes..
{Artful} I can call you later… and you will hear my voice and I
will give you release free your sexual tension..
{natasha} smiles and basks in your warmth
{Artful} as my ownership has freed your soul. Your center is
wound tightly.. like a clock
{natasha} smiles and Master yes truly it has in a way I could
never have imagined
{natasha} I am writing a piece about that
{Artful} today I will ignite you.. and you will explode with a fury.
for a moment.. I want you to feel the heat we generate
slide you hand onto your pussy slip your fingers inside
{natasha} but it will be written with more concentration than the
things that come straight from my heart and soul with
no thought really to eloquence but just to the pure feeling
raw untamed…unrefined…like what everyday not meant to be
great works only a chronicle of lives
{natasha} obeys her Master and slides her fingers to her throbbing
sex groaning
{Artful} now… fuck it hard for 25 strokes … feel our heat
{natasha} oh Goddddddddddddddddddddddddd
{Artful} feel our liquid tell me when you have completed my
instructions and then suck the nectar from your fingers..
{natasha} Master your command is complete….. Master your words
your passion your soul ignite me …. will we self
combust when we meet (physically) God helps us laughing and
groaning at the same time
{Artful} then.. cup each breast,
{natasha} sucking my fingers running them between my breasts oh
Master
{Artful} pull on each nipple
{Artful} twisting a little
{natasha} cries out ……god I am going to explode
{Artful} now then, finish your diary I will go take a shower and
later..
{natasha} groaning laughing at the same time
{natasha} you brat
{Artful} when I feel you are ready
{natasha} Master Brat that is
{natasha} giggling I adore you
{Artful} I will give you the release you hunger for… ache for
{Artful} place a kiss upon my feet before I go
{natasha} slides to her knees
{natasha} and places her lips to your toes
{natasha} caressing the sides of your legs as she does
{natasha} placing her lips to the top of your feet
{natasha} I wait
{Artful} looks down upon his slave with a burning love… a rare
love..
{Artful} until later my treasure……..
{natasha} feeling the power of us surge through me
{natasha} yes my Master
{Artful} leans lifting your face by your hair and kisses your lips
{Artful} good bye my darling, my slave

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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This dance we dance you leading me in tune to every nuance every little rhythm, every silence. I only know it is the most exquisite dance I have yet danced. the music plays on……

The Orgasm The Dance The Song

The comfort I feel in a single caress…The tug I feel as you pull me to you…

The quiet elegance of our existence ..The savage passion of our love I am powerless in your hands…You call to the animal in me…writhing twisting and arching to you…my eyes close and my body feels pure sensation pure passion… You work our bodies like a maestro and I like the musician play my heart out for you … I scream for release you nod pure feeling the connection unbreakable.

I am no longer conscious of anything but exquisite desire ebbing ~~~flowing ~~~rolling~~~ oh goddddddddddddd. The crescendo approaches blinding , blazing, colors exploding. My hips reaching, go ridged my body held in the air by its own volition.

My body convulsing… I hear whispers of give it all to me angel give me what is mine… oh gawdddddddddd a long hoarse cry rips through us,is it your voice I hear or is it me it goes on forever… The cry of passion the symphony we are fills our world…

Sobbing shamelessly I lay in your arms, my head cradled to your chest the only sound our breathing… And The Dance Goes On

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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Today we were chatting reveling in our love as it stretches into eternity smiling laughing working together and as the moments the hours passed we explored our souls and then the moment came when we had to part knowing that we would not be able to reach out and share our thoughts the instant they came to our mind and we both ached.

This gentle morning came on the heels of our first real disagreement…

Last night we had a quarrel, the first time I was angry with you, the first time you frightened me. I displeased you and your rage was dark.

As you ordered me to put my face to the floor, I quivered waiting for the crop (along with your real life orders to mimic my punishment) your foot on my back holding me down. that I could bear that is our way though others might not understand it that is our dance. But master I could not bring you into my light … I could not reach my Dark Prince…

Then I spoke to you told you Master I am so sad…the sadness permeates my very being…within seconds your rage disappeared and you spoke to me stunned…. concerned you asked …: Princess you are sad? Yes master your anger frightens me . You wanted to speak to clear the air resolve it. I could not speak, I felt weary my surrender just out of my reach… I am so comfortable in that place….when my entire reason to exist is to please you.

To feel like I wanted to step away from you even for an instant made me feel so discouraged.

I am not sure I yet understand this all encompassing surrender this submission, the ownership of my very being I have given you.

*****

My Dearest natasha,

I debated not putting this entry in for you as thinking about it does not make me feel good at all. However, since I have not censored your diary as of yet, I could not find it in myself to censor you now. Let the cards fall where they may.

After reading over it again.. I can see that the things we love most about one another are two edged swords. You love my dark side.. and my intense passion. I am madly in love with your effervescent spirit. It does not supprise me that on occaision my dark passion comes out as a rage.. and that your free spirit on occaision leans towards rebellion.

I would rather release you than stifle your lovely spirit, so I must accept all that it means… and I know you could not be happy with less darkness and passion, and so you also must accept me.

I hope that when we venture into the unpleasent sides of what attracts us to one another.. that we alway remember where home is… and at the same time we give the other a little breathing room.

I love you natasha.. with each fiber of my being.. to the very depths of my soul.

Master

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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Our Love

Master I see no end to our love
I see only forever
For I am yours mind body soul
my freedom is my bonds.

So purely, so honestly, I come to you
My very thoughts are yours
Tenderly ruled, I surrender completely
We have entered eternity.

Whether we lay in a bed of stars
or play in the waves of the moonlight
Our peace envelopes us.

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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When we first met we spoke of fidelity…  We decided fidelity on the net was totally different than fidelity in real life…you told me I was your falcon and you were my falconer and as long as I returned to you I was free to fly …. the cage stood in the room but the door was open …and the playground was mine to play in with some reservations… As my Master you wanted to make sure the situations I chose did not affect us…The most amazing thing happened … I had no desire to leave my falconer and within a short time we find ourselves monogamous and reveling in the joy of our commitment.

The following short passage is a conversation about our joy in each other and our joy in our exclusivity .  Our monogamy has become incredibly erotic to us.

{Artful} its hard for me to believe,  I love you so totally

{natasha} and I love you so totally my Master

{Artful} I’ve never felt so at one with another I don’t see it fading

{natasha} or me either My Master

{Artful} daily - you give me so much, all the love I need

{natasha} When you consider the real life pressures we have gone through together

{Artful} and my appetite is voracious yes

{Artful} and the on-line ones pressures… you know…. the thought of ‘is it worth it’ has never crossed my mind

{natasha} planning discussions .. building a web site…planning a new channel…dealing with countless small issues …we have maintained our grace through out it

{Artful} we have maintained our grace because for us.. us together,   it comes natural if we had to work at it… we would have large lapses, we have to force nothing, like our fidelity the thought of you wanting to protect your pussy for your Master makes me so hard I want to explode

{natasha} yes I know my love it has been a natural progression aided by your Mastery of our lives

{Artful} How does it make you feel..  for me to want to reserve my cock …for my treasure’s sweet pussy something to slide into you.. knowing it is all yours

{natasha} Smiles,  if we brought others into our lives.. separate from each other…  the complications could be so great it would take away from us as Master and slave, and the thought that I take care for your needs so well that you are happy to be with just me thrill me. Then on top of that to know as you say, it is all mine … seems the sweetest of  gifts

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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Though we spend allot of time on line we integrate our everyday life with it ….many times I am doing things and you message me and I come to you. Or I reach out and call to you and you reach down and stroke me… Limited by our distance yet in so many ways with the work we do together … the web page, the discussions… we in actuality have quite a real life existence with real responsibilities together deadlines, pressures, goals, all the things that real life brings that so often is missing in IRC

It is like we are side by side in a room together yet each doing what needs to be done…then we stop and chat filled with each other recharged we go on. This is one of those moments.

{natasha}  Sitting at your feet working quietly, I look up at you and
smile and feel your tenderness…your
strength…your belief in me and I am awed….
{Artful}  and I DO indeed believe in you
{natasha}  Where have you been all my life…waiting for me…looking
for me…. I was seeking you
{Artful}  She is peacefully dwelling in the delicate body of the true
submissive and has been there all along. She was
patiently waiting, but eternally aching and longing for me. She is
so eager to please and so ready to give, all that she is,
and all she will ever be.
{natasha}  I have thought once before I had found the one…that I had
waited for all my life… Only to find it was a dream…
{Artful}  a dream?
{natasha}  If you are a Dream please never let me wake I would wish
to die in my sleep so
{Artful}  I am real as real as the welts that were on your thighs
{natasha}  For I am so totally at peace in my surrender to you
{Artful}  do you need more to reassure you my darling my love?
{natasha}  smiles sees the crop nooooooooooooooo laughing
{Artful}  I am so damn in love with you natasha god how you fill
me.. seep through my extremities
{natasha}  laughing can’t say I am sorry
{Artful}  sorry for what
{natasha}  that you love me silly I have been very sorry to have
been loved by some as I am sure you have been
{Artful}  silly WHAT?
{Artful}  raises an eyebrow
{natasha}  Silly Master
{natasha}  Master Silly
{Artful}  that’s better
{natasha}  how does that go
{Artful}  swats you a good one
{natasha}  laughing out loud
{Artful}  smackkkkkkkkkkkk
{natasha}  giggles
{Artful}  Since we are mostly done with the Discussion.. you will
have time to work catching up your diary
{natasha}  laughing out loud guess what I am doing
{Artful}  working on your diary
{natasha}  yes, that’s what made me overflow with you
{Artful}  mmmmmm god how I love you
{natasha}  it is almost like having to go to the rest room so bad you
think you will burst
{Artful}  I know..
{natasha}  It is like if I do not stop and tell you I will explode
{Artful}  like the feeling get before I cum, past the point of no
return but held there
{natasha}  it is a much nicer analogy than mine laughing
{Artful}  that all depends natasha…….
{natasha}  Depends on what Master?
{Artful}   You  will have to read Hans Brinker… chuckling to himself
{natasha}  You mean the Dutch boy with his finger in the dike…oh
geeze God I love you
{Artful}  But you know I will take poetic license - evil grin
{Artful}  I love you my yielding princess

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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Master I awoke and checking my mail I saw the post you put in answer to a submissive’s question and though my desire to bid you good morning was overwhelming I had the to take the time to answer your oh so sensitive and eloquent post.

This post is my response and feelings to yours…

I woke this morning to see my so Masterful Master Artful’s post and I must respond.

Master Artful how fortunate I am as a submissive to have you understand my need for elegance and grace. I will crawl for, you lay myself open, I give all that I am, all I will be, my limits are those you deem necessary. In essence my limits are those you chose for us.

As all great Masters you have the wisdom to read your submissive/slave. Compliance without a joyful heart and willing spirit is empty for you I know. So many do not understand that finesse.

I am yours, till you decide my surrender is not what you want any longer. My submission is not a gift I renew it is constant. It is not a gift I will try to take back nor put limits on. I try to have no expectations but to please my Master and in that my needs are cared for. You own me completely…

Your joy is my ecstasy. Again the depth of our power exchange has proven true for your ability to read your slave to understand her needs, to feed those needs, has taken us to deeper understanding.

It was always my quest to be in a situation where I could go behind the wall the facade we all hide behind at times…to my very fears …my self doubts….my shame….my pride… to my raw self…to my dark side…to the place where my very thoughts and dreams were my partners to see…We are there… you own my very soul and feed it with an understanding that has never been equaled in my life.

Master in that is the true power exchange… the dance…the poem…the rhythm of the universe envelopes our souls …Your willing slave…your yielding princess…adores you my Dark Prince.

natasha

And this is the conversation that ensued…..

{Artful} hello my darling my slave..
{natasha} Hello My Master thank you for that lovely post
{Artful} the one who reaches deeper into me than any other human
{natasha} it warmed my heart to have you understand the depths of my
soul
{Artful} the one who sustains me.. the one who I sustain
natasha smiles and kneels before her Master
{Artful} I adore you.. to the depths of my soul
{natasha} I adore you and a good nights sleep was wonderful
I loved waking up in the middle of the night and making love
with you last night
{Artful} my love for you rips through me like a child tears through
it’s mother at birth
{natasha} To wake up with that burning need and turn to you to feel
your need was as savage and powerful was wonderful
{Artful} I read your post on sub miss
{Artful} and am unable to control the tears streaming from my eyes..
my passion for you is so strong
{natasha} I laugh sometimes when we play on channel and people
elude to our love as being almost unreal if they only saw
us when we are alone like this, we would really make them
sick …he he
Artful grips your face with a loving firmness..
natasha looks into your eyes
{Artful} lifting it.. meeting your eyes
{Artful} seeing your fire…………
{Artful} showing you the fire in me
{natasha} Oh God Master how I adore you
Artful lifts your mouth to his..
{Artful} taking your lips..
{natasha} Good Morning I breath the words on to you lips
{Artful} gripping you..
{Artful} squeezing you to me
{Artful} my tears raining on your face
natasha molds her body to you
{natasha} melting into you…… feeling your heat………..your
passion your love
{Artful} tasting your mouth
{natasha} our love stretches into eternity
{Artful} sucking the sweet saliva from your tongue
{natasha} Oh God I adore you
{Artful} licking the insides of your cheeks
{Artful} devouring you
{Artful} consuming you
{natasha} grasping your hair surrendering as your mouth takes me
{Artful} my passion ripping though
{natasha} oh Master your passion gripping me mind body soul
{Artful} pressing my pelvis to you to the point of pain
{Artful} my legs gripping you
{natasha} grinding into you …. our heat exploding
{Artful} oh god my natasha..
{Artful} I must take you
{natasha} yes Master yes
{Artful} I must enter you…….
{Artful} invade you
Artful takes your mouth again..
{Artful} pressing even harder..
{Artful} oh god it ripped through me
{Artful} natasha…. I cannot tell you
{Artful} how much
{Artful} how deeply
{Artful} how completely your post effected me
{natasha} did it Master
{Artful} oh god it ripped through me
{Artful} it spread open my chest
{Artful} cracked through my ribs
{natasha} Master you rip through me………..Thank you… it is
wonderful how things done with no intent can cause such
joy I was only sharing my heart
{Artful} and pierced through my heart
{Artful} like a white hot poker
{Artful} it was rapture
{Artful} thank you my yielding princess
{Artful} a greater gift you could not have given me
{Artful} I almost feel as if just had the most powerful orgasm
imaginable
{Artful} blissfully spent..
{natasha} Master it was only the truth and no greater gift than the
honor you gave me in understanding my needs
{Artful} yet aching.. burning
{Artful} to continue
{Artful} I was compelled to write what I did
{natasha} I was compelled to thank you
{Artful} I did not know if you would like it
{natasha} Master is it not so wonderful that in opening our hearts
following our compulsions we please each other so…
{natasha} To explain to the world how tender the savage dance can be
How poetic the brutal and savage tenderness can be
{Artful} I had to express the strength of my humility
{Artful} the depth of my respect for your needs
{natasha} It is a finesse few Masters I have met have the ability to
totally own to take the submissive down to raw emotion and yet always
be aware of her needs to stretch her limits to bring her over the
edge and yet never let her fall
{Artful} the wisdom to place no value on empty compliance
{natasha} Master I adore you
{Artful} and my humanness .. that despite my strengths..
{Artful} that I miss my mark
{Artful} I am not ashamed of my humanness
{Artful} I wear it as a badge of courage
{natasha} Master … to suppose that a Master must be anything than
human is so unfair I am so proud you can cry
{Artful} you must be very proud then
{Artful} laffing
{natasha} That the intensity of our poetry can move you to tears
{Artful} as it has not completely finished yet
{natasha} what is not finished Master
{Artful} oh god what a morning
{Artful} its finishing now..
{Artful} the water from my eyes
{Artful} god what a morning
natasha smiles
Artful shakes his head
{natasha} and kisses your eyelids
{natasha} licks your tears
{Artful} and our love was wonderful last night
{Artful} filled with the poetry of our spontaneity
{Artful} dear…
{Artful} dear natasha
natasha laughs I only felt the fire as I was asleep, the
poetry was secondary, perhaps even unnoticed all I felt was
our need, exploding, yielding, my body screaming and your love
answered those screams I adore you…

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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Master I awoke and checking my mail I saw this post you put in SubMiss list in answer to a submissive’s question.

>question…I have tried having a friend “punish” me…but pain with no build
>up…just doesn’t do anything for me except make me grit my teeth…I don’t

Your post makes me think of a recent event in my relationship..

People’s individual needs can fall anywhere along the continuum .. and can change depending on the mind set and the setting.

But… my sO (submissive other) generally requires ‘poetry with the pain’ (so to speak), to achieve the desired effect. The results speak for themselves on the occaisions I experience a lapse in my normally poetic soul. In theory, as her Master, I can dictate what she must take from me, and do, but the sweetness of her submission (the pleasure in it for me) is her joyful willing spirit. Although her need to please me is ever present, the ‘poetry’ feeds her joyful willingness and is as much a need to sustain the relationship as food is to sustain her life. As her Master, it would be equally foolish of me to deny her the ‘poetry’ she needs to accompany my loving tortures as it would be to deny her food.

Sigh (smiling), the work of a Master is never done.. one must humble themself to reality and not demonstrate the ‘Dom’ Quixotic foolishness of fighting wind mills.

Artful
——————————-

We are in many ways I am sure a role model to some of our friends. As the previous entry in my diary from slavia illustrates. Our commitment deep and apparent our dedication to our BDSM community strong. But we also have issues we deal with in fine tuning our power exchange. We learn about each other constantly… We grow closer and deeper hour by hour… What others might see as disagreement or discord are in actuality our glory….

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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My perfect love you search and know my heart
I feel your peace…your intensity
I am filled with your passion… your love
I am ignited…a flame ….
Your kiss steals my breath
And yet as we share that breath
We breath through each other mutally sustaining
The taste of your mouth
I live in your love….

I adore you my Master

Master these are litle thoughts that I jot as we speak, the feelings that come over me they are not perfect poetry… but they are perfect feelings…perfect love in my eyes and my heart…

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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i am moved to tears
and at the same time i take heart
when i visit your pages like a sanctuary,
like a church
if there ever has been a church
so full of soul and love
the darkness is warm
and the shimmers of lightness
are like the stained glass windows
of a cathedral that couldn’t exist anywhere else
thank you so much for sharing
what you have found
i wish, natasha, that one day i could be like you
what peace…
it seems incredible that such a moment
could last for over two seconds…
and there it is in your diary, natasha
going on like a dream
giving me hope
giving me faith
i come to you when i’m shaky
and thanks for showing that prayer
wherever it came from
i don’t know exactly what works of art are for
but there is no art like what you’re doing
all lower feelings evaporate
doubts extinguish
jealousy retreats
and your peace invades me
and my soul kneels in awe
and my heart smiles
and this church is just a man and a woman
what an example, what hope,
what an invitation to reach out for perfection
i would ask how we could thank you for the inspiration
if there was any way you would need thanks
but you have perfection already
so i only smile and deposit at your altar
my wish that it may go on and on and on
congratulations
curtsy to Sir Artful
and deep bow to you both

slaiva

PS: i’m glad i don’t have a 14″ screen - i’d be scrolling left and right on every line in that main right frame
God Master I just read it again for the tenth Time and I am so awed … so honored and all we did was love one another… as you took ownership and I submitted… May I always honor you ….the tears flow from my eyes…

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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Master, This lovely letter was sent to us… and it touched us both so deeply… When I asked you if I could put our diary on line you had reservations as it is so personal a chronicle of our life our explorations together. We bare ourselves with out any reservation that was our agreement on the onset of this…the only concession we make is to the privacy of others. This diary is my gift to you …. nothing you asked of me but a need I had as my thoughts spilled over I had to write them….and as it grows and transforms your input has made it very interactive it has become the diary of a Master and slave…. although it has always been ours as everything I am is yours it is now richer as it is filled with your words your thoughts.

And now the letter that so touched our hearts from slaiva follows on my next entry…

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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My Dearest natasha, (Part 5 of 5)

{natasha wrote:}
Well we have had quite a week… so many mishaps and trials I faced everyday something new….and in your infinite kindness you took pity and relaxed your rules to allow me to recover and lick my wounds…

{Master answered:}
Mishaps and trials do not adequately describe your tribulations for the week…

(note from natasha)
Because of my desire to not reveal myself to my coworkers and people in general my Master has allowed me to remove the details of the events from the letter they would be very recognizable. Suffice to say what my Master outlined here and has been removed ….were major incidents that were of an unforseeable nature accidents … etc … major events of the which we have no control and are not the result of personal blunder so much as things that happen in life… And though I am of the nature to take things in stride this was far more than most people see in a year.

{Master answered:}
I didn’t just relax my rules of my own accord.. you asked me, begged me for a break. You were stressed to the point of walking out on me two times. Even slaves have an emotional breaking point. You have real life responsibilities that as a reasonable man and Master I *must* take into consideration.

{natasha wrote:}
I was speaking to a friend and he asked me what was wrong… I went on to explain that it was happening again … The same pattern as I get closer and closer to my Masters they back off … As their love deepened so their demands from me fade… Almost as if they fear to upset me…He said “speak to him tell him”…I did you hit the roof so to speak asking me how dare I question you test you when all week you had been holding back due to the circumstances. I do not think I have ever seen you so angry and hurt… You quickly took control with an intensity that almost frightened me… I still have the welts to prove it…

{Master answered:}
Yes.. I was angry.. mostly hurt.. that you took the anguish I felt for you.. my sincere empathy and consideration for your sanity, real life responsibilities, and your expressed need for a rest from my strict rules, and threw them in my face.While you have not damaged my love and adoration for you.. you have damaged my trust for you to simply express your needs to me.. I told you I would trust you to express yourself to me. you promised you would. you did.. I gave you what you asked.. and you used it against me. If you want to earn this level of trust back.. you will have to do so over time.

Yesterday you flat disobeyed me.. disrespected me.. generally treated me like shit and humiliated me in front of your friends by storming out. Yes.. I said something sarcastic to you in the morning.. so what. It was in response to your real behavior.

I have been frustrated, fearing to further deteriorate your emotional state by punishing you for rather small incidents.. No longer will this be the case.. my dear.. you have seen to that.

You may or may not like my new rules for you.. I really don’t care one way or the other.. But you WILL obey me.. and you WILL respond to my demands and if you resist my attempts to discipline you (which is not hard to do since we are not real life yet).. expect to be publicly humiliated. I have many tools at my disposal for this. Some you could guess.. others would totally surprise you. I do not wish to use these tools.. except for maybe mild forms of them.. so I strongly suggest you do NOT back me into a corner.. which is in essence what you did yesterday.
Here are some of my new rules.

1. You will inform me of every private conversation you are in when we are together.

2. If you cannot manage to timely respond to MY conversation.. you will lose your privilege to message others when I am with you.. I suggest you prioritize.If you are doing business or otherwise need to concentrate your efforts away from me… I suggest you communicate that need to me.. before you disrespect me by your inattentiveness. I’ll not accept excuses after the fact.

3. You may not go to another net to speak privately with Doms unless you ask me *before* you go. If I am not around.. you will have to stay on the big three.

4. When I decide to punish you.. you will comply with out an attitude or sarcastic comments.. to do so will double what ever you were going to get.

5. Plan to accept periodic beatings.. to simply remind you of your place and position. I do love you.. and cherish you… but you are a slave.. MY slave.. period.

6. If you ever walk out on me while we are talking.. or suggest I should dismiss you.. (unless it is *your* sincere desire ), expect to receive public punishment. It will NOT be pleasant. If you do have a sincere desire to be released.. it will my decision to do so.

I do adore you my angel - A love such that I have never felt before. This is why your behavior hurt me so. After thinking about it.. I believe you subconsciously set me up.. to put me in a position to be damned if I do.. and damned if I don’t.. I believe this is a subconscious resistance to your deep surrender. This much I promise my darling.. if my only choices are to be damned.. you had better believe I will be damned DOING.

You will write an apology letter to gesta with whom you left me holding the bag as you stormed out. You will also draft a thank you letter to DrkFantsy. Thanking him for his wisdom and friendship.. as it probably stopped you before you allowed your subconscious resistance to destroy what we have worked so hard to build.

I don’t know if you know how much I sacrifice.. in real life.. to build what we have.. I have not told you and probably wont.. But let me tell you it is significant.. and I am thrilled to do so.. as I love you with all my heart.. but my deep commitment to you helps to drive home the hurt when you behave like you did yesterday.

You have work to do to soothe me natasha..my slave.. I am no longer angry ..but my emotions are still raw.. as you can probably tell from the tone of my letter.

I love you my slave.. I always will.

Your Master,

Artful

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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Dear Master, (Part 4 of 5)

Well we have had quite a week… so many mishaps and trials I faced everyday something new….and in your infinite kindness you took pity and relaxed your rules to allow me to recover and lick my wounds…

Unfortunately it backfired and I started to fear that you would no longer Dom me in the way I need…I tested you…not meaning to …but by pushing, bending the rules … Looking to you, hoping you would stop me as I began to spin out of control…

I was speaking to a friend and he asked me what was wrong… I went on to explain that it was happening again … The same pattern as I get closer and closer to my Masters they back off … As their love deepened so their demands from me fade… Almost as if they fear to upset me…

DrkFantsy, a friend and wise Master that he is said “speak to him tell him”…I did and you hit the roof so to speak asking me how dare I question you, test you, when all week you had been holding back due to the circumstances.

I do not think I have ever seen you so angry and hurt… You quickly took control with an intensity that almost frightened me… I still have the welts to prove it… Master Thank you for loving me enough to always Master me …To pull me back into the folds when I stumble …

Master I Adore You,

natasha

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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Note: October 17th has been lost.

Reflecting on the Punishment

To all of you that may be reading this other than my Master I assume you have all seen the punishment if not please read back to the day before this…

To explain I’ll tell you Master, how your punishment made me feel … I was frightened my legs ached I still have the marks and it is still painful… But… I am a better slave today than I was yesterday. D/s is based on trust and though “I trust you completely” is easily said it is complicated to achieve total trust … Oh people give lip service to the word trust and entrust their lives many times foolishly to others. I am speaking of total trust, total surrender… to truly give ones soul, mind and body… that takes transcending all the baggage one brings with them from their past … I have been fortunate and have had a wonderful life filled with laughter and love and yet … I have never experienced the feeling that I could totally rely on another and that is what authentic and true D/s means to me …. and so without really consciously meaning to I test you … push the buttons to see if you back down … walk out … or if you continue to Dominate me and set our course… You quickly showed me the ramifications of that kind of test and lack of trust …

The one thing I know is I do not desire a vanilla relationship… I will never find contentment in that … I need that deep raw emotion that comes from D/s.

As time goes on I will let go of those fears and trust completely that no matter what I can count on you to be my Master… NOT that I do not trust to that now … as I look at my red red thighs I know that you were not backing off not questioning your Mastery and not trying to please me … That is not to say that you have to pass a test or that you are not human …but in the wide scope of things we are Master and slave always.

What, came to pass last night showed me with out any doubt that the lines are drawn there are no gray areas I am the slave you are the Master. That it is real and not just a fantasy…

I realize that this is a great responsibility for you and I appreciate everything you do to protect what we have. Thank you Master

Submissively yours,

natasha

Tags: October 1994 by KttN
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